Yesterday Primal Emergence began and for the next week we are meeting ourselves in the mirror for a 30 min meditation to track our thoughts, body sensations, emotions and anything that comes up in this process.
The goal is to allow your authentic desire in the moment of meditation to express itself.
Last night I felt an overwhelming desire to meet myself erotically in the mirror (this happens quite often, I feel very turned on by myself)
I love doing my mirror meditations at night in the candle light- it drops me into that space of presence almost immediately.
I put on a chant honoring Sekhmet- the Egyptian feline goddess of death and rebirth. The Goddess of Raw Creative Power.
I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed this overwhelming desire to kiss myself so I walked closer to the mirror and started kissing myself through it. It got steamy and erotic thannnnn I heard this voice...
"if anyone saw you right now, you would be considered crazy, self obsessed, gross, weird- what the fuck are you doing"
This voice actually was so intense I had to pause the practice and just be present with it.
When I felt ready I resumed my practice of making love with myself in the mirror.
Again, it came back so I paused and sat with it.
This repeated four times.
By the end of it I sat with my legs crossed, holding my heart asking whats up, why I was feeling so much judgement towards myself and my inner child came out and spoke.
She felt that it is wrong for me to love myself with this much passion and adoration.
She felt that the only reflections of love she can trust are others and the one she was experiencing through this practice felt self centered and conceited.
She felt that if others saw the way I loved myself, they would abandon me.
She felt that if I loved myself so much than I would never find love outside of myself because no one would be able to match it.
She felt if she didn't give herself this love and adoration than it made it easier to settle for the breadcrumbs of love others showed her.
She felt if she loved herself this passionately than she will have to face the fear of intimacy that exists in her heart. That is why she feels safe settling for breadcrumbs.
I held my heart and honored this part of my expression with compassion.
Witnessing each layer of resistance with an open heart and mind.
Recognizing this is the work.
Reminding myself of my worth in each moment of forgetfulness.
Honoring the grief, sadness, insecurity.