Befriending the Primal: Don't get played by your s3xual energy part 2- Hunger
There is a difference between erotic appetite and hunger. (through my observation of self experience & working with clients)
One can be turned on, in desire while remaining present and full without crossing the threshold into desperation and NEED.
The type of hunger I am talking about is the one that controls your actions through impulse.
The hunger that has you constantly seeking and is never satiated.
The hunger that feeds off the rush of newness.
The hunger that becomes your emotional addiction.
The hunger whose voice sounds like...
"I need more.
I have to to have it.
Where can I get it.
When can I get it.
What can I do to get what I want.
I need it. NOW
MORE. MORE. MORE".
The kind of hunger that distracts you from your life and well-being.
The kind of hunger that will have you abandoning yourself just to experience the instant gratification of fullness- that never lasts.
The kind of hunger that will overlook your values to get what it wants at all costs.
This type of hunger hangs out with shame, low self worth, addiction and disrespect.
It's a helluva gang to associate yourself with.
This kind of hunger feels empty so danger is the perfect drug.
The funny thing is with this kind of hunger it NEVER gets what it truly needs.
Just the initial high that wears off and the emptiness kicks in again.
This type of hunger will ruin your life and potentially take your life.
I walked with this hunger unconsciously from age 17-24 before I decided something needed to change.
Before I hit a rock bottom and made a decision that hurt someone I loved and realized I didn't want to be like this anymore.
That is when I opened the door and allowed this part of myself to speak to me instead of repressing and hiding it.
The last 4.5 years I have been learning from this aspect of myself what caused her to act out so intensely and how to care for her when she is in that space of pain.
What I have learned from her:
- She is seeking to be seen and validated for her worth
- She feels empty because I am disassociating
- She brilliantly created strategies to get her needs met and survive, these were also her cries for my attention
- She needs reminders that she is loved and safe when she feels scared and impulsive.
- She wants to be welcomed to the table.
- She enjoys thrill and new experiences so to meet her needs I help by pushing my edges in a safe way through performance & other high intensity activities such as working out, sky dive, partner dancing, intimacy workshops, bdsm play, primal expression.
- SHE WANTS TO BE INTEGRATED INTO MY INNER FAMILY!! Thats it- she wants to feel like she belongs.
- When I chose to meet her need of belonging she no longer would take over, she listened to the inner parent and knew she would receive love and support from me.
This is a practice that requires immense amounts of self aware and care. It is easy to fall back into old patterns AND I know its not worth it.
If you experience this type of hunger- just know it wants something from you. It is calling out for your attention. Speak to it- welcome it to the table for a cup of tea.
When this energy is integrated and directed- it is the passion that creates massive change in your world. Its worth the inner work.