Befriending the Primal: Learning to play with my sexual energy rather than letting it play me. Taking Ownership.
As I’ve shared in this series before the past year has been a walk down memory lane in regards to my sexual energy.
How I have chosen to view it
How I have chosen to use it
Exploring where my sexual energy has been playing me due to repressed/ unowned anger from past experiences.
Although I have spent this time with a boundary around physical penetration, I have been exploring three very specific themes that have repeated themselves over the years through different people & experiences.
Shame & Control
Uncontrollable Sexual Hunger
Let me break down the first category and describe how it relates to repression & my sexual energy.
1. Shame & Control:
Due to unresolved anger/ resentment / shame from being raped when I was younger, I had a tendency to be drawn to experiences where I could live out my repression through another.
Since I was an individual who tends to direct violence towards myself rather than others ( a pact I made with myself after years of lashing out in my younger days ) I was drawn to individuals who carried similar shame patterns that would act out on others.
Person A: Individual who acts out on others
Person B: Individual who acts on self
What this looked like:
Person A: becomes triggered by a perceived loss of control, in order to regain control ( due to not being able to speak needs vulnerably ) manipulation is used.
Person B: Notices what is occurring and reacts in a few ways, allows the manipulation or speaks to the behavior pattern playing out
( Cue trauma responses of both parties )
Person A: Becomes defensive ( Fight response )
Person B: Becomes triggered due to feeling dismissed/ unheard ( sometimes this person is coming from vulnerability or sometimes a triggered state- freeze response ).
Person A: Uses guilt as a way to secure silence
Person B: Due to fawning/ people pleasing patterning becomes confused & silences self ( does not want to be rejected or abandoned ).
Since Person B is repressing the shame and anger within, Person A is the perfect match to mirror that repressed shame & highlight control patterns because Person A is an individual who has patterns of projecting the shame and control onto another rather owning it.
This is an example of how I have allowed my own repression & shame of my sexual energy find attraction to individuals whom have their own patterning of unowned sexual shame and control to highlight my repressed shame and control.
** Now, this may not be the case for all dynamics- this is something I have observed within my own life **